To be announced

But I feel like I can't, because

1. I'm not up to date on all the latest books. I haven't read a new book or even an up to the minute mass market paperback release book since 2007. I can't afford to buy books, new, used, or otherwise - and who wants to hear me talk about a book that's five years old or even older?

2. I do not attend conventions any more, and never will again, I think. My last convention was in 2007, and it ranks somewhere between "negative" and "deeply traumatizing." while it was happening I couldn't articulate why I was so incredibly uncomfortable - I do have some ideas on what part of it was, now. but it affected me so gravely and so deeply that I not only didn't attend world fantasy con when it was right here in calgary, with the registration I have bought and paid for years before, I didn't even bother to sell or give my membership away. I'm certainly *all kinds of uninterested* in going to my local con again.

3. I haven't seen all the latest fan relevant movies. I haven't been in a movie theater since - wait for it - 2007, for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and I do not hold a video rental membership of any kind.

4. I never have been terribly attached to television. I don't *have* a television. My roommate owns one, and the only difference between the eight months he had it in his bedroom and the last couple of months that it's been downstairs is that I see him on my way into the kitchen, occasionally.

but even so, I don't turn to television for spec unless the circumstances are extraordinary. I've never seen a lot of the television people talk about. I have seen battlestar galactica, but I saw the end too late to actually talk about the end with anyone. but if I hadn't been basically forced to watch the initial pilot, I would have never watched the series on my own initiative.

(this isn't some nose in the air thing about media fandom, it's simply this: I can't just sit there and do nothing and direct all of my attention to watching the screen and listening to the voices. I get distracted, I tune out, I think about other things, I get up suddenly and walk away because I forget that I was supposed to be entertained by this. I completely suck at watching TV. if this sounds like ADD, well there's a reason for that. put utterly mindless knitting in my hands during a tv show or a movie and i'll stay put, and manage to maintain attention.)

5. I haven't written any fiction. not original fiction, and not fanfiction, since...

Yeah.

Do I even get to call myself a fan?

And all of this is a distraction from what I wanted to say.

I still think of myself as a fan, even though the only fannish activity that I do these days is read the meta of other fans, and read fics. and this year, I have tuned into the conversation, and the things I read there make me think thinky thoughts, and I sometimes wish I could talk about them... but I don't, because I don't have any credibility as a fan any more, because I don't participate and haven't participated for years.

but it's not just having to cut back on expenses that has caused this lack of participation. It's alienation, too.

you see, a couple years ago, I started getting the sneaking suspicion that I really didn't belong here, that I really wasn't wanted, and that my presence was messing up a really good thing.

How did it start? I don't know. but I think my first hint, my first clue, was the 2007 SFWA elections, where John Scalzi decided to run for president, and the slapfight commenced between different groups with different beliefs and approaches... the rebellious youth vs. the establishment, etc. etc.

I got involved in that, in a small way. and that involvement made it so very clear to me that SFWA couldn't support my interests as a writer because they did not, and did not want to understand me, and did not wish to support me unless I became like them, and adopted their ways - ways that I see as outmoded, outdated, and tired as hell.

The slapfight between the establishment and the upstarts was vigorous, but ultimately, the establishment won. and are still winning to this day. It became pretty clear that they didn't want me or people like me in their group.

that's not new. I remember being really interested in the SCA. I remember reading pamphlets and finding out that there was a regular fighter practice once a week here in town. I remember going. I remember watching. I remember being pointedly, roundly ignored.

and I didn't just go once. I went every week. For a month. And it wasn't like everyone there was a stranger. I recognized a lot of the people there from the local convention I attended every single year. and they didn't greet me. they didn't wave. They looked at me, though. When they thought I wasn't looking.

it became pretty clear that they didn't want me there, so I didn't go back.

What stands out for me, that last convention I attended in 2007?

They looked at me, when they thought I wasn't looking.

If I was alone, they'd look and not say a word. If I was with Someone (read, a Science Fiction Author or Some Editor or Another or in a Clump of Our People) the difference would be that I'd be stared at more openly, more quizzically, more confusedly, the question what's she doing here? scrolling across their faces in flashing LCD letters.

Without one of the abovementioned people obviously with me, I was no one. With one of them there to say, "It's ok, she's with me," I was a 17 letter word at 34 across in the sunday times with no letters filled in. I did not make any sense. I did not fit. I didn't belong.

I had a couple strangers open conversation with me, and chat most civilly while I was smoking outside. They were not attendees of the convention. and honestly, between being surreptitiously glanced at and being stared at like a zoo animal, it's no wonder that I said "fuck this noise" and hid in the hotel room. I came out to spend time with my friends who brought along safe people to be with, and I did my best to stay out of sight the rest of the time until it was *over.*

was it just that con? no. I'd actually been to one earlier in the year where the same thing happened - I was ignored and dismissed and covertly stared at, and then openly stared at when I was in the company of a small/med press publisher (who was in a *really* natty suit.) I've been at conventions in the past where I had been told that I didn't belong there, when it was evident that I was an attendee of the convention, since I was wearing a membership badge.

so tell me, folks: have I gafiated, or was I fafiated? (and did you just faint with shock because I know those terms?) How much of my feelings of alienation come as a surprise to you, and how much do you recognize/remember? how much of my experience do you want to vociferously deny? how much of it do you want to make excuses for?

or does it not matter since I haven't bought a book since '07 anyway?

of my weekend long abandonment, though they are kind and drop notes from moment to moment.

I'm sure some of you are puzzled that I haven't actually posted anything LJ about Peter Watts' latest book. I'm having the but I can't talk about it crisis. I've got the book, I've read it, I'm waiting an undefined yet short amount of time to do the re-read (like Light, this book needs to be read twice. I detected that there were levels going on that I was only glimpsing, that weren't going to pack into place without a repeat) but I can't talk about it.

There are a few reasons for this. One is that I have this rabid hatred of spoilers, and I certianly wouldn't want to do that to you. Another is that there isn't enough population of people who have read the book yet for people to talk to about it (and I'll get back to this in a moment.) I remember how trapped I was after reading What's Bred in the Bone by Robertson Davies - I wanted to discuss my experience of the text with someone, because I wanted to know if I was a genius!Chelsea or an oncrack!Chelsea or maybe even a geniusoncrack!Chelsea...

but I COULD NOT FIND anyone who had read the cursed thing. oh, it was terrible.

I would like to not repeat this experience.

Lucky for me, someone started the community peterwatts, which I have joined today. it looks like they are starting to discuss the book, but I'm not going into it yet because my take on what happened is entirely backwards from what the original poster posited. so I'm worried that I have completely misread it (some of you may remember what happened when I got my hands on Footnotes.) and need to read it again. The community has just gotten started and right now they're interested in how people managed to get a copy of the book, so your answers would probably be appreciated here.

And that comes to my second part of talking about the fact that I'm annoyed by not being able to talk about this book.

The first printing edition of this book is less than 5000 copies. they are rare. (i've got one, nyah nyah. and you'll have to get your own, as this one is MINE and I am not. lending. it.) they are also unavailable in most big chain bricks and mortar bookstores, because of Ingram/Barnes and Noble's 25 dollar rule (you know the one.) It's selling fairly nicely on amazon, and independent booksellers like Clarkesworld have clocked it at #1 in their shop's sales.

So if you want a copy, you will have to work for it, my friends. If you have the time, and if you have the effort, and if you have not summarily crossed a Big Box Bookstore off your list forevermore (As I have done with the Coles/Indigo/Chapters Canadian conglomerate, for various reasons, don't get me started) could I ask you to please please pretty please call a bricks and mortar chain store and express dismay at Blindsight being unavailable, and ask them to order you a copy, please.

I know it will likely take longer for me to have the book discussion I want to have by asking you to do it this way, but if you have time to do it the hard way, would you? otherwise, Amazon orders will do nicely. More people need to read this book. you've heard various cool kids of SF spinning in circles over this one. it's already in the hugo best novel betting pool. there's some very good reasons for that. the damn thing is scary.

(p.s. if you have read What's Bred in the Bone by Robertson Davies, PLEASE tell me. I still need to bounce my reading of it off someone.)

Where matociquala and I start off talking about Spin State, because I just finished reading it and she wanted to talk to me about it, and Spin, because I'd just finished reading it and I wanted to talk about it.

Talking about Spin won. But like all good conversations, it wanders, topically, into why we wanna write depressing books about "the world ending" because we're too stupid to clean up after ourselves (otherwise known as what we call eco-gothic.)

it's long and loopy like chat conversations are, but it could prove interesting for the tenacious. we DO go on.

There is a spoiler for Spin state right off the hop. if you want to avoid it, hit the second cut. the spoilers for Hammered, Scardown, worldwired, Carnival, Spin and Dawn: Xenogenesis are unavoidable, and I apologize.

( And it nearly took me as long to clean it up for posting as to have the conversation )




( It's safe here, mostly... )

It's something I've been saying a lot in my reviews lately..."I'm not getting a sense of setting here." and it's not that the writer has completely bypassed writing about the setting -- it's something else. It's giving me the telling detail that draws me into the story with the characters, something to identify.

And it's important. and it's something that successful writers do, so it's a must learn for anybody who is writing with an eye towards improvement.

I noticed a grounding detail particularly while reading Diana Gabaldon's The Fiery Cross Last night. I think we can all agree that she's a successful writer - but in case anyone's in doubt her latest book is going to be a murder mystery starring Lord John Grey, one of the secondary characters of her Outlander series. It's a seven figure deal. It's hard to argue with at least a million dollars.

Anyway, she's got these fellows just coming back from fishing, barefoot in the wet weather, and they stop to have a conversation with the equivalent of the Laird's daughter, and at the end of the conversation "He swept off his bonnet and bowed extravagantly to her, bare toes squelching in the mud to keep his balance."

you can see it, and you know how it feels to be barefoot in mud, and how you clench with your toes to keep your balance and the feeling of mud pushed between your toes as you do - that, or you were an extremely fastidious child.

And then I think of Celia's example of the pov character on a horse tightening their knees an a nervous horse, and some things I've noticed about Sue Grafton, and I suspect I've discovered one of the few "secrets" of writing successfully - one of the best ways, though not the only way to draw a reader into a story is through kinesthetic cues. never mind what a character sees or hears - what do they feel and how do their bodies react?