oh, i distracted myself.
Jul. 8th, 2021 07:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cpolknobody's fault. it's just that i'm very data-responsive and something caught my attention before I started working.
so let me back up a bit. a few months ago someone suggested that one minor thing I could do was not let myself look at the distracting internet first thing in the morning. Just. Don't look at it. go about your day.
so i tried it out and it was very effective, and I was happy. I did it consistently for about a week, and i pumped myself up with how good it was to do this thing, how well it protected me from getting lost in unimportant stuff that sapped my energy, etc.
and then one morning I forgot about it completely and opened the internet.
and then when I did that, naturally, when I realized it, i immediately spiraled into the stupid useless deadweight who can't do anything right and I had ruined my entire day. I didn't get any manuscript work done that day. I was ashamed and angry and useless.
and that is what i think every time i forget and catch a glimpse of scrolly read-y stuff. it's amazing to me how easily i can turn a technique that is supposed to help me into another weapon I can turn on myself.
so let me back up a bit. a few months ago someone suggested that one minor thing I could do was not let myself look at the distracting internet first thing in the morning. Just. Don't look at it. go about your day.
so i tried it out and it was very effective, and I was happy. I did it consistently for about a week, and i pumped myself up with how good it was to do this thing, how well it protected me from getting lost in unimportant stuff that sapped my energy, etc.
and then one morning I forgot about it completely and opened the internet.
and then when I did that, naturally, when I realized it, i immediately spiraled into the stupid useless deadweight who can't do anything right and I had ruined my entire day. I didn't get any manuscript work done that day. I was ashamed and angry and useless.
and that is what i think every time i forget and catch a glimpse of scrolly read-y stuff. it's amazing to me how easily i can turn a technique that is supposed to help me into another weapon I can turn on myself.
no subject
on 2021-07-09 01:31 am (UTC)But the point is, you DID change your behaviour. Now you know it's possible. One thing I learned was, everybody thinks that the first step of recovery is being able to say "No" to whatever and smile in a saintly manner (which is why so many people are shamed and angry of themselves in early recovery, and find it so hard to resist slipping, because They Should Be Better &c &c). But in actuality that's the last stage, and some of us may never even get there, which is okay. The cravings and lapses and thinking "aww fuck THIS" are all really normal. (I have known people who were sober for decades and then they relapsed. There is no magic cure.) In a way those don't matter. What matters is keeping on with the changing. Eventually, it sticks.
no subject
on 2021-07-10 01:51 am (UTC)AW YES
this is what i needed to know! this right here. thank you! i kind of knew vague stuff adjacent to this, but I didn't know this.
no subject
on 2021-07-10 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
on 2021-07-10 02:53 am (UTC)no it all made sense to me!